Im just writing what I need to write.
Im standing in thigh high salt water with my feet sinking into the sand & Im past the point of being able to move. I don't know that, yet.
The tide is going out and the pull is so strong that my mind is OFF. My senses are all that I have awareness of. My senses are saying SURRENDER. Breathe. WAIT. There's a wall of water coming straight to me & I cannot move.
I try and I just sink in deeper. I don't know I can call out for help... I don't have that instinct because I love the ocean... Its home to my heart.... How can what I love cause me harm?
How could I possibly need help just standing in the ocean? I can stand! Why can't I move? Why can't I see the forces at play below the surface of this beautiful sparkling water? Why can't I see it coming? Why is this happening? What am I supposed to do? All I hear is LOUD. All I feel is HEAVY. SMACK! Im under water. Cant stand up. The ground is moving. Can't breathe.
The water keeps coming.
Can't see. Guzzling salt water. ( Not on purpose!) This water is eroding me... I am disappearing. Wave after unrelenting wave. This cycle on repeat for years. I had to be pulled out. I had to catch my breath. I had to untangle the shells and weeds from the knots in my hair. I had to untangle my hair. I had to release the sand from my body... by the handful.... it took so much longer than I could have imagined... kept finding more and more sand popping up in places so far away from this ocean. I had to wash it off over and over and over and over and over. I swallowed that salt water. It made me sick for a long time. When I spoke of this... I was told... That water was dangerous on that day. Didn't you see the signs?
You'll only really get what Im saying if you've been there too- suddenly underwater- No matter when it was- how long it lasted- how many waves of it coursed through you- For YOU, for ME... for US... these happenings forever change us. The transmission of it gets lost in anyone trying to explain it back to us. This is why we all end up having to say it out loud... usually after long stretches of silence, suffering, shame... to someone who can hear us. We have to say it to someone who can see us clearly. We have to say it to heal it. We have to say it to stop it. We have to say it to RISE from the ashes it made of us. We say it to claim our power back.
We say it to free our voices.
We say it because it is time for us to BE FREE.
Im writing what I need to write for me...and for you... trusting that if I feel so compelled to put this out there that someone needs to hear it this way... So here it is:
When I say you, I mean Me Too.
You will heal in your own time. Its best to know that healing isn't a destination point after which heaviness stops existing... There's no such thing as 10 steps to enlightenment. You heal by being yourself. You will free-fall and you will land. And you will free-fall and you will land. You can handle it & Grace will happen.
There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.
You are not what happened to you.
Your pain is real. Your joy is real.
Take your body back with fierce love.
Your body tells the truth.
Trust your truth.
Your truth sets you free.